reborn

2006-10-27T23:01:00.000-07:00

sometimes when you really want something so bad and you've finally gotten it,you'd realise that that thing that you wanted badly is not what you want and what you really truly want is right in front of you.that's how life plays mind games with you.
it's difficult to stay sane nowadays.i get angry with everyone and everything including the remote control.i'm losing it.stress sucks.

2006-10-18T18:47:00.000-07:00

i'm going to india on 22nd dec. for 11 days!weee..going to kashmir,dehli,agra and jaipur.and it's 268K in kashmir.coooolio..and we are staying in a houseboat.cant wait.i'm only concerned bout 1 thing.leaving my hubby behind...we've never been apart that long.the longest non-contact is 1 day.heh.it's gg to be hardd..there better be handsome bollywood guys there to take care of my lonely heart.this is the only thing that is motivating me to study for the a's.
how come i seem more stressed during o level period...hmmm...

2006-10-16T22:15:00.000-07:00

hello dusty blogg.as a level is looming,little miss moony is still online,chatting on the phone for hours,going out shopping...what the hell is wrong with me??i think it's the crazy exam syndrome.actually it's not my fault. so many things just have to happen during this crucial period.they just have to distract me.what can i do?
mahmud passed his driving.he had an accident with a merz.yup of all vehicles in this tiny island.it had to be a merz.why does he have to be so expensive.annyway,the repair cost $400.but i have to give credit to the merz owner.thank you for being so gracious and charging the careless boy only for the broken headlight and not for the dents.and now you know what the boy is up to...he got a $50 fine.i dont know how he can get so unlucky.where are the lucky streaks??ok not streaks just streak.just one will be enough.
i have been thinking alot bout our relationship.it's going nowhere.he's still in ite.he has ns,poly,and possibly a degree course to go.how long will i have to wait?i'm not in a rush but c'mon anyone will grow white hair waiting for him.but i love him.so much.i'm so afraid i have to let him go.i dont wanna hurt him.i dont wanna hurt myself.no wonder my parents dont allow me to have bfs.boohoo.
i want a's to be over.it's cramping my lifestyle.ok back to f maths..

2006-09-01T04:09:00.000-07:00

ok i realised again that i dont blog much which led to another realisation.after a year and a half in sajc,i turned into a quiet dull person who doesn't like to express myself and socialise.ok the socialise part has always been a problem.heh.ppl always come to me.hmmm for some reason or the other.hohoho.right.
i've talked to my friends and they seem to have the same prob.so is it just me or a super duper duper duper difficult phase in our life??all the losers in sec sch are becoming popular.i think this is retribution for bullying those geeky losers.heh mean gang.those were the days...ok ok i'm sorry!pls give me back my life!!!scholarly lifestyle isn't working out for me!!ahhhhhh!!!
what a time to feel this way.

2006-07-07T00:50:00.000-07:00

i just realised that i don't know much and pretty naive. ppl lie in my face and i'm not able to detect it.it's so frustrating. and i only find out it's a lie by accident or if the person sympathises me. how bad is that. ergo, i'm going to have a had time living this life.

yesterday was photo-taking day and the supposedly formal pic is semi-formal.i dunno what's up with the school but i think they trying to be hip but it didn't work with my class.this was what happened...it was at 8.15am at the water fountain thingy.and so we were all ready to take our pics.then the photographer was about to take the pic and notice how stone we looked so he tried to make us look more candid and cheerful and human.he said 'now it's a bright thursday morning so smile and look happy.remember it's semi-formal so don't look so uptight'.sad to say that little speech didn't work.he tried to say more encouraging words but i've got news for you mr friendly photographer,this class is beyond hope.the teachers have tried everything to open us up but we are one tough cookie.at least there's one thing we have in common.it's sad but true.i've accepting this fact rather painfully.but a few more mths to go and phuket here i come,that is if nav and all still wants to go..that's the one thing that have been my motivation..haha..yup that's quite pathetic..i'm also looking forward to go on holiday with mahmud and his family.ok i'm just being ambitious.let me..school sucks...

anyway,i dunno why i'm hungry all the time..this is bad..my hunger pangs are killing me.ok laterz i'm going to fatten myself now.

2006-07-02T18:41:00.000-07:00

ahhh there's smth retardedly wrong with my links!help!
ok update update.MAHMUD's birthday was on saturday.
Happy 19th Birthday Baybee!
we went to pasir ris park for a picnic.he brought chips and titbits and drinks while i brought the mat,food and badminton rackets(haha)...so at first it was only me,mahmud and syaheerah.so the 3 of us went rollerblading..oh it was such a disaster!mostly for me..i fell down TWICE!and the apeks who were 'fishing' at the canal laughed at me..grrr...but it was quite funny..i fell forward and mahmud said i looked like superman and he just stood there and laughed!it's ok i gave you face only cos it's your day.the reason i fell is cos of the mountaneous slopes.how am i supposed to go uphill with rollerblades.it's ridiculous.so i ended up going backwards instead of forward and i panicked and was oscillating back and forth and i figured if i fall forward it'd be less painful(i was wearing the complete gear minus helmet).
the when we were going back to the rental shop,we saw han,aya and dijah entering the park.han and aya were not on gd terms at that pt of time.han wanted to make aya jealous so he held my hands all the way to the shop cos i looked so unstable.obviously i was too scared and trying to hang onto dear life to notice what he was trying to do..bleah...guys will be guys
ok so we took all our stuff from the rental shop and went to beach.soon after ameerah came and yada yada yada..we went to the playground...played the spidey thingy some other kid's game.then told ghost stories and relaxed by the beach again.time: 9.15pm,time to go home.
Happy 19th Birthday again!
i hope he enjoyed himself(in other words,you better enjoy it or else....)i put alot of effort into it..planning..forcing a certain someone to come(cough* han cough*)..carrying all the stuff...get the purrfect gift...but i don't mind doing all that as long as you are happy (and of cos grateful towards me)..wooohoooo
i'm going rollerblading or ice-skating again today

2006-06-17T23:26:00.000-07:00

Beautiful love by the Afters

Far away, I feel your beating heart
All alone, beneath the crystal stars
Staring into space, what a lonely face
I'll try to find my place with you

What a beautiful smile
Can I stay for awhile?
On this beautiful night
We'll make everything right
My beautiful love, my beautiful love

Larger than the moon, my love for you
Worlds collide as heaven pulls us through
The secret of the world is written in the stars
I'm carrying your heart in mine

Maybe a greater thing will happen
Maybe all will see
Maybe our love will catch like fire
As it burns through me

My beautiful love

love is really uncertain..there are many ups and downs and in certain relationships it's mostly downs but there's just something preventing you from letting go..of course letting go is the easier than holding on and fighting the endless battles..that is not to say that letting go is an easy thing..but what do you do when the odds are against you and all signs are telling you to let go but you refuse to??is the refusal due to the phobia of being alone or losing a part of yourself (him) and regretting your whole life?or is it plain love...if it exists..i need an answer!!the more i think of it,the more scared i feel...going back to him would mean i'm risking being hurt again..same goes for him but the connection we have is so surreal so magical...but then again it might be too good to be true..i've never felt this before..the strong passion and craving and undeniably the excruating pain...nothing is for free...maybe a greater thing will happen...

2006-05-26T01:15:00.000-07:00

i talked to victor just now...i know..of all ppl..victor chan!the one mrs chan asked to put a pacifier in his mouth...yes ok anyway,i was so down i just grabbed anyone and shared my sorrows...and of cos the person is victor.surprisingly he was really nice to talk to...in fact very human and oprah-ish...haha..so the thing that was bugging me was my expections of mahmud.yeah well who else would cause so much impact in my life right..
i read somewhere that if you expect too much of someone,and you don't get what u want,you'll be so disappointed and upset..so it's better not to expect anything..just like a new born baby...different ppl have different abilities and different characters...talking to vic made me realised that i love to compare mahmud with other guys...like the how they treat their gfs..it's as if i'm not satisfied with what i've got.......i feel horrible...

2006-04-25T19:01:00.000-07:00

hey hey.i've decided to start anew.the old blog was so depressing..not that my life is less depressing now..it's in the gutters now..but i'm going to look at life with a whole new perspective!yeah!i've decided not to wallow in self pity or dwell on stuff that cannot be changed.jc life has really taken a toll on me.i'm not the same anymore.my friends have changed(for better or worse)...maybe it's just a phase in life...the post-teen trauma...yeah that's it..life is not all flowery and sugar-coated like the stories in the fairytales my mum used to read to me with the happily ever after ending..reality has hit home..people whom you put all your trust in somehow threw it back in your face.i have to be stronger...